So here I am, 40 something. My oldest turning 16, it is so very bittersweet.
This past weekend we spent quite a lot of time together. As I was looking at her, I was picturing her when she was 5. Pigtails, mismatched & messy clothes, inquisitive, mischievous, and ALWAYS smiling. Always helping everyone out, giving huge hugs and knowing, unfortunately, when I was sad about something. She would come up to me, give me the biggest hugs and say “everything will be ok mama”. I tear up as I wrote that.
I remember when she was born, 9 lbs, 8 oz & her head full of beautiful dark brown hair & the biggest brown eyes ever! From the time she was born until, well “forever”, she slept through the night. No joke. She always fell asleep around 9 pm and would wake up at 6 am. It was perfect, as I was working three part-time jobs & yes, I was one of “those single parents”. But it was then when I gave birth to her when I relinquished my selfishness and looked forward to holding her whenever I got the chance. “I made this baby” I would think, smiling & that was the happiest moment of my life.
Looking back on her growing up, life does fly by too damn fast. And I’m reminded of this daily.
As a mom, I’m trying to let go, but as little as possible, even though I know she needs to become more and more independent as she gets older. My biggest fear is I didn’t teach her enough, or well enough, about life. About being street smart. Oh, she’s academically smart (thank God), it’s the street smart part I’m worried about. Always reminding her to watch her surroundings. For her to be screaming, kicking, scratching, punching whoever comes at her in an aggressive manner.
New worries enter my mind every day for my kids. I don’t think ever stops as a parent.
When she speaks, she’s eloquent at times, awkward at times and there are times when her words are as wicked & sharp as mine. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing at the moment. I have been on her, reminding her to think before she speaks. Of course she looks at me like “yeah, ok, mom”.
I love both my kids with every fiber of my being, I think I even love them more than myself and I would definitely go to the ends of the earth to make sure that they were doing well. I honestly hope that they both achieve their dreams, goals & ambitions. To enjoy their lives to their fullest potential.
Faded breath and large sigh, like any parent, I want what’s best for them, but in the end, I’ve been reminding my kids to make sure that once they are out in the real world that they do work that they absolutely love, to find a job or work that they have passion for, and the desire to wake up and jump out of bed ready to tackle the day. Not to dread or feel stuck for years on end.
Not to say that they won’t feel stuck at times, but I want them to learn to get themselves out of the “stuckness” because life is too short & time flies by too damn fast.