Thanksgiving Rewind

Crap, 2 weeks since my last post? Oh well, I’m sure readers (if I have any) will get over it.

Back to Thanksgiving Day. Yeah, that was quite a special day.

The weekend before Thanksgiving I was told that I needed to buy a turkey and a ham. Why? Because that’s what “they” wanted to eat. It was bad enough that I had to figure out poundage for a turkey, but now having to add a freakin’ ham. I whipped through my cook books… found a couple recipes for glazes and was going to make my usual seasoning for turkey. No problem, I got this because I know I have to get a 10 lb turkey & a 10 lb ham.

Three days before Thanksgiving, I went to the store, and I’m seeing turkeys from 5 lbs to 30 lbs. Overwhelmed, I decided to look at the hams which were ranging from 8 lbs to 20 lbs. I was able to get a ham, exactly 10 lbs! Then onto finding a turkey. I was up to my elbows in turkeys, 9.2 lbs, 20.3 lbs, 12.8 lbs, 11.1 lbs…. c’mon, seriously? The closest I could get to 10 lbs was 9.44 lbs. Grabbed my ham & the turkey, ready to rock n’ roll and out the door I went, but not without grabbing a couple bottles of wine, of course.

The morning of Thanksgiving I got all the pots and pans ready for all the goodies that were going to be made that day. The pumpkin pies made the night before were resting in the refrigerator (calling my name), I started making the turkey seasoning. Aaaahhhh perfection!

For the most part that morning was peaceful, until I tried to fit both the ham & the turkey in the motherfucking oven. ACK! Deep breath. I was able to find 2 pans, about the same size. BINGO! I popped the ham & turkey in the oven around 9:30 am. I then went to make the glaze for the ham. It had prepackaged glaze. Ok, whatever. Mumbling to myself, I start warming up the stupid glaze.

Both the turkey & ham were basically ready before everyone got to our house. UGH! It’s ok. Deep breath, we’ll keep it all warm & we get to eat a little earlier than planned. It’s all good, I kept reminding myself.

At about this time, my husband informs me that his son is bringing his dog. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? Like we don’t have enough damn animals in the house with our 2 cats, a dog, 2 kids & a husband?!

Moments later my mom & step-dad show up. My step-dad makes small talk with hubby while my mom, says a quick hello, plops down a big bag on the counter, starts pulling out wine bottle after wine bottle and without even skipping a beat she says “OPEN NOW!” My eyes big as saucers trying to decide which of the 5 bottles to open. Yes, FIVE. The story behind this plethora of wine is that my mom wanted to show up before my mom-in-law because she wanted to remind me that she wasn’t sitting anywhere near my mom-in-law. Why? Well, mom + wine + sharp objects + sitting near a person who pisses her off within stabbing distance = NOT GOOD.

My mom has more of her German heritage (my grandmother being full-blooded German) than her Russian & Scottish heritage. It always makes for an interesting evening. Although I’ve notice since my mother’s gotten older she just doesn’t give a shit and is a lot more crazier.

Next through the door was my mom-in-law with her yummy green beans & sweet potatoes. Giving me and the girls a hug hello, and giving a half-assed smile & “howdy do” to mom & step-dad she quickly made a b-line for her bag & grabbed a beer.

Oh goody, this day is going to be awesome.

Finally my step-son & brother-in-law come in making their hello’s to everyone. My brother-in-law cracked open one of his 16 oz beers, we make small talk for a bit.

The husband and I decide to go ahead and start setting the table, and he starts carving the turkey & ham. Just as I got everything on the table, one of my husband’s best friends and his kid shows up. W. T. F. Seriously?!?!?!

So I put EVERYTHING back in the oven to keep warm, mumbling to myself, opening up the 3rd bottle of wine, mom shoves her glass in my face which is universally known in my family as “pour me another fucking glass”.

A 1/2 hour goes by, my husband finally looked up at me as I was giving him my look of “ok, I’m over this, have your friend come over later, the family is fucking hungry, shut your pie hole and say good bye”.

Another 10 minutes goes by, I am now on a major buzz and start putting everything on the table, and not quietly. Finally getting the hint, everyone starts disbursing & husband’s friend leaves.

I have everyone start getting seated at the table, I am fumbling with the stupid TV remote because I would like it fucking quiet, I start fuming again because the stupid remotes batteries are dying & I can’t turn the bloody TV off, but not saying a word because my facial expressions pretty much help me out (or get me in trouble) in that sense. It didn’t help that the mom-in-law was mumbling (loudly) that I just needed to leave it alone. I then mumbled at her “I want no TV on, & since I’ve had to wait on everyone, you can wait on me now.” That shut her up. For the moment anyway.

We say grace & start eating… I happen to look up, my oldest daughter’s eyes, wide as basketballs, she says “Alrighty then”, I happen to look where she was looking and there on my motherfucking carpet was the step-son’s dog pooping. “WHAT THE FUCK?!” I screamed. Everyone was a bit startled, my step-dad was like “uh oh!”, brother-in-law says “oh shit!”,  step-son sitting there says “oh, I’ll clean it up” and continues to eat. Mom-in-law “oh that’s ok, I’m sure it’s not the first time”, I looked at her, and say “Uh, actually, yes it is the first time that anything has pooped on my fucking carpet.” My mom, sitting there, grinning, continues sipping on her wine.

Finally after about 20 seconds, I gently put my fork in my plate, I get up & grab paper towels & cleaner, with my husband quickly on my heals as he knows I don’t deal with any animal feces or puke/hair balls that well. No shit, step-son still sitting there eating, with mom-in-law still chipping her teeth that we should just sit down & eat, my brother-in-law saying to her “Mom, just shut up, it needs to be cleaned up.” My youngest daughter complaining of the smell, my step-dad darting dirty looks at both my mother-in-law & step-son.

The meal itself maybe lasted 20-30 minutes, and most of us left the table, bellies full & content. As my oldest daughter & I make our way to the couch, she says “Well, that sucked. Except for the food, that was yummy!” I chuckled, knowing exactly what she meant.

It was the most uncomfortable Thanksgiving dinner I had ever encountered.

I could hear my mom-in-law still talking about how “we” made a big deal about the dog pooping, and my brother-in-law kept telling her that it was a big deal & that it should have been taken care of by my step-son & not me or my husband.


Finally everyone started leaving slowly, thanking us for the yummy dinner & pumpkin pie, & there I was, laying on the couch wishing I had money so I could afford to just leave the house for the months of November & December with my immediate family. Head up to my favorite town with mountains and live those few months without having to wonder (or worry) about “what will happen next?”.

The dinner itself was awesome, but this Thanksgiving was just not what we had planned.






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