“Focus on your potential instead of your limitations.”
~ A.L. McGinnis
I literally just got home from surgery today… it went well, but my faith has been questionable for the last few weeks, so let me pedal back to yesterday.
Sundays I go to church to play piano for church services at a Methodist Church. Growing up I was baptized, went through communion classes and everything else through the Lutheran church all the way until I graduated high school. When I came back from college my mother was playing organ and piano for the church next door. The Presbyterian church. The first Sunday I attended, I was actually appalled and shocked that it was so noisy during the prelude, and I know for a fact, my facial expressions delivered the disgust spot on as I glanced (we’ll say “glanced” because I’m sure it was more like shooting daggers) around the congregation and majority of them fell quiet when they saw me “looking” at them with high disapproval. I was 19 at the time and yes, feeling a bit “holier than thou” because I behaved better in church than these folks. Now mind you, my mom quickly schooled me right after church. Anyhow, I digress. As I got older, I kept my faith of God intact, but the more I went to church (yes the Presbyterian Church) I noticed that some (not all) people were actually quite hypocritical. So, we know I’m no saint, but I have always fessed that I’m a sinner and yes, I say bad words a lot and God knows what’s what because I talk to him daily. I know he’s not too impressed, but also knows I’m trying my best. Especially as of lately.
Leading up to yesterday…
Last week after a union convention and meetings, I was able to take a 2-day vacation. An actual, real,vacation! I literally hadn’t had a real vacation since 1994 – although we did a camping stint in 2017, it just didn’t “feel” like a vacation. My 2-day vacation with my youngest daughter was the best. We soaked in the Oregon Coast as much as we could and really didn’t want to leave, but needed to because my oldest daughter was getting ready to leave for her 2nd year at university so I wanted to see her too before she left.
So yesterday, there I was, sitting at the piano with 20 minutes until church started, in tears, total meltdown. Not just any meltdown, but a major full-blown meltdown. I couldn’t play the first hymn from hell which was in 12/8 time signature. I look over at my mom (a professional pianist) and she sees me and gives me a “holy sh**” look” and rushes up to me. I try to calm down, she then asks, “What is the matter?” Yep, another melt-down. Trying to keep my voice quiet (which didn’t work), I unload everything, and I mean everything from work, divorce, school, surgery , the oldest and how I regret taking time off because now I can’t play all the music for church. My mom, definitely used her “mom voice” and said very loudly, “Do NOT EVER regret taking time off!” The congregation went silent. She ended up playing the first hymn (from hell) and after that I was fine, but kept thinking about all the crap and everything that I have to get done, that needs to get done, that I want done. Is it all going to get done?
It’s all about faith…
The sermon yesterday was about “Faith”. Can we say, “Perfect timing?”. Yes indeed, it was perfect timing. I have been worrying about so much in the last few months, even though I talk with God daily, I wasn’t focused on my faith. Faith, according to the sermon, is something that you believe in without seeing it and the outcome of faith is seeing it when you believe it.
During the sermon, I asked God for his forgiveness for not letting my worries go, because I know he’s watching out for me. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of worries because I do feel like I need to control the situations. I know that I can only control how I see situations and how I react to situations.
I got through the major hurdle of yesterday and now through the surgery hurdle, only a few more hurdles to go. In the face of adversity, the good, the bad and the ugly, I’m doing my best to keep my chin up and think positive. Life will get better not just for me but everyone around me, and the future is looking a lot brighter.
Never lose faith, or you will lose yourself.